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Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Recognize Them As Yourself
Some will like us and some will not, some will even love us, whether we do or not. The reasons are as varied as the people we meet, love and connect with in this life. Each one of us is so unique yet similar in nature; what a beautiful world it could and would be when we can remember to seal each day with some love. We can start with as little as saying hello to someone new, taking a moment to really notice all the people and faces you see in your world eachday. Begin to recognize these faces as yourself, if that is too difficult think about them as your family, friends or lover's. Try this the next time you find yourself at the checkout stand, when you notice an overweight person or a leather clad biker; any person with a noticeable difference from yourself, look to them as if they are you, they are the people you love. Practicing this daily or when ever you can make the time will enhance the human heart and like any lesson when practiced, you learn. The Beatles said,"I am you, and you are me, and we are all together, come together right now."
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Living With Edgar's Dying
I was new to the city, if not just a little scared of it. The new city San Fransisco: previous city Snohomish Washington. Two very different environs, (as my preference) if your going to make a change, why not make a big splash! Although I had visited many times, now was different. I was now a resident! A feeling similar to being new to a school, I felt a little misplaced and yet I hoped to make new friends. Two weeks of applying to many various restaurants, I narrowed it down to New Joe's on Geary. Joe's was a pretty famous joint, Italian food it honored Joe Dimaggio. It was impressively large perhaps a city block, putting the smoking section on a different street. Once free on the floor we found each other.
Edgar had a spark so intense like electricity emanating warmth, he just loved being alive! It was a quality we shared. He was gay and happy for it,my exposure to the gay community limited to Las Vegas and the cowboy rednecks. Regardless I understand gay; who we truly love is never a choice, gay or straight.(true love) Our days included checking out cute guys. His voice in my head clear as day,pronouncing J as H (Spanish) Jesus like Hey-zoose and I was ha-day not Jade."Haday, chew know dat cute guy, right dare" (pointing at a guest in my section)" he is fabulous!" placing a plate in front of me "dis peice of cheesecake is for heem!" I venturing fourth with cheesecake in hand comping my cute guests it enhanced my tips greatly.
He loved to talk about sex, and I loved that about him, people often so hung up on sex, but not Edgar! He would tell me his tales of the ribald, his freaky fun and and whatever it is friends talk of. I would vicariously enjoy his adventures. I was living in the Richmond District of San Fransisco located directly north of Golden Gate park ,like any big city it is scary and intimidating at night. Even with a fearless outlook on life, it was not my element.Every night Edgar walked me to my bus, taking it with me all the way through the Tenderloin district to turn around and go back to Oakland.
Inevitably I had to move to Seattle had being the operative word here. I loved San Fransisco and hated to leave, only their was no choice. (That is another story of child custody and abduction.) So, I moved to Bellevue, Washington to take care of an epic situation. Amidst all of this the O.J. Simpson trial was constantly playing in the background. One day I found some time to call Edgar to see how he was doing. When he answered the phone he was amazed to hear I was calling of my own volition. Edgar explained that he called 2 days earlier, and it turned out my son had forgotten to tell me.
As soon as I heard him speak I could tell something was wrong, how wrong I could never have envisioned. He explained his choice to call me was important, and everyone he needed to contact he would be contacting today. Some things he needed to say today, woah, this was serious. "Ha-day" he said "I wanted to let you know I went to the doctor's office and I found out I have this AIDS thingy-choo you know?" his voice was raspy, gentle. I could not speak, I did not know how to. He continued saying "and you know that means I am going to die." I searched for my brain's portrayal of the English language, searching for words to say. What do I say?
Spilling out of nowhere words gushed forward "Edgar, I could fly down to see you, anytime, I could fly out soon?" (because I love you and I can not imagine going into the next moment without hearing you) he said "My Ha-day why do you want to see me?" his voice sounding incredulous and stammering "I whood want dat I coood see choo," he continued in his sweet gentle voice, no longer sounding incredulous, "I whood wanchoo too, but I would not have hasked choo to."
His voice lowered when he said, "choo know dat I heeve lost much weight, most my hair eaze now gone~I am not dee Edgar choo once knew" I couldn't believe what he was saying my heart trying to comprehend it.It seemed while I could not imagine not being able to see him, he could not imagine why anyone would want to. Edgar was genuinely confused why I would want to see him. "I can fly out this weekend" I said and with that my life would begin to change in leaps and bounds.
Edgar had a spark so intense like electricity emanating warmth, he just loved being alive! It was a quality we shared. He was gay and happy for it,my exposure to the gay community limited to Las Vegas and the cowboy rednecks. Regardless I understand gay; who we truly love is never a choice, gay or straight.(true love) Our days included checking out cute guys. His voice in my head clear as day,pronouncing J as H (Spanish) Jesus like Hey-zoose and I was ha-day not Jade."Haday, chew know dat cute guy, right dare" (pointing at a guest in my section)" he is fabulous!" placing a plate in front of me "dis peice of cheesecake is for heem!" I venturing fourth with cheesecake in hand comping my cute guests it enhanced my tips greatly.
He loved to talk about sex, and I loved that about him, people often so hung up on sex, but not Edgar! He would tell me his tales of the ribald, his freaky fun and and whatever it is friends talk of. I would vicariously enjoy his adventures. I was living in the Richmond District of San Fransisco located directly north of Golden Gate park ,like any big city it is scary and intimidating at night. Even with a fearless outlook on life, it was not my element.Every night Edgar walked me to my bus, taking it with me all the way through the Tenderloin district to turn around and go back to Oakland.
Inevitably I had to move to Seattle had being the operative word here. I loved San Fransisco and hated to leave, only their was no choice. (That is another story of child custody and abduction.) So, I moved to Bellevue, Washington to take care of an epic situation. Amidst all of this the O.J. Simpson trial was constantly playing in the background. One day I found some time to call Edgar to see how he was doing. When he answered the phone he was amazed to hear I was calling of my own volition. Edgar explained that he called 2 days earlier, and it turned out my son had forgotten to tell me.
As soon as I heard him speak I could tell something was wrong, how wrong I could never have envisioned. He explained his choice to call me was important, and everyone he needed to contact he would be contacting today. Some things he needed to say today, woah, this was serious. "Ha-day" he said "I wanted to let you know I went to the doctor's office and I found out I have this AIDS thingy-choo you know?" his voice was raspy, gentle. I could not speak, I did not know how to. He continued saying "and you know that means I am going to die." I searched for my brain's portrayal of the English language, searching for words to say. What do I say?
Spilling out of nowhere words gushed forward "Edgar, I could fly down to see you, anytime, I could fly out soon?" (because I love you and I can not imagine going into the next moment without hearing you) he said "My Ha-day why do you want to see me?" his voice sounding incredulous and stammering "I whood want dat I coood see choo," he continued in his sweet gentle voice, no longer sounding incredulous, "I whood wanchoo too, but I would not have hasked choo to."
His voice lowered when he said, "choo know dat I heeve lost much weight, most my hair eaze now gone~I am not dee Edgar choo once knew" I couldn't believe what he was saying my heart trying to comprehend it.It seemed while I could not imagine not being able to see him, he could not imagine why anyone would want to. Edgar was genuinely confused why I would want to see him. "I can fly out this weekend" I said and with that my life would begin to change in leaps and bounds.
Smitty's 'Do Not Judge' snip 9/14/10
A thought for what may be going on for our fellow humans as we rush around trying to accomplish our daily tasks the way we see fit.As you look around today tomorrow and in our future and past try to be cognoscente that verily you are not the only creature walking this earth with only the goals you need to accomplish. Imagine when someone say calls in to work they really are sick, perhaps sicker than you may know.That when someone has to cancel out on something or is late for something or perhaps takes a little longer to learn something than you may like, that indeed their may be a reason for this.And if that person never tells you the story of why, that is okay, just remember we are each different and are trying to cope with this craziness called life in our own ways the best we can. Like John Lennon said , give peace a chance. Self serenity and thankfulness that we have another day and other ways to continue on this path to humanity.Remember who you are, and do not crave to play with those fundamentally different from you, if you give in to the idea to be like other people you too could turn into a heart as cold as stone.For those of you have experienced this type of thoughtless behavior targeted at you remember this; do not judge yourself by a standard that is not your own, honor your own lost magnificence and by doing so you will restore it.Let your inside reflect on your outside, if it is not what you would like to see than know that you have the power to change it.